We took a train from Boston to Pittsfield, MA to spend a couple days with Seth's sister, Naomi. We decided to come to Pittsfield when trail plans were unknown because we hadn't seen Seth's sister for a while and wanted to visit her while we were in the area, regardless. Spending time with Naomi is easy and she goes out of her way to make us comfortable, so we're definitely grateful to have another easy and cozy place to stay.
Family fun.
Since Seth's feet have gotten better, we've had several conversations about the experience we've had on the trail so far and what we hope for going forward. Obviously, we've had very different experiences and agree that we aren't going to have the same goals. Seth has felt really vulnerable in all the pain he has been experiencing. I think he and I are both very physical people in our hobbies and feel power through our physical selves, so when that's compromised it has a profound psychological effect on top of the physical impact. I experienced that when I put a knife through my hand in an incident with an avocado pit extraction. I kind of didn't know what to do with myself. It has also been really hard for him to have others (me) see him so physically vulnerable, which I get too. I only want to be perceived as strong and capable and when I can't keep that up- I don't like it. With all that, he said his priorities include wanting to push himself hard, do something he's never done before, and get away from the daily grind. He feels like he got some of that already in the 100 Mile Wilderness, but is open to more. It's also becoming clear that I'm seeking something in this experience, so while he has his personal goals, it's becoming apparent that there's a role he's playing in continuing the journey to support my exploration.
When I think about what I want out of the experience, it feels more amorphous. I suppose I'm hoping I'll know it when I find it or when it happens. There's something about wanting to feel powerful- physically and mentally. I started to get a taste of that the three days we did after the 100 Mile Wilderness. Despite the physical discomfort, I felt able to compartmentalize the negativity and put one foot in front of the other. I felt really confident and empowered. Feeling emotionally powerful is certainly there too, but I've had to muddle through what that really means because it's counterintuitive to me.
Throughout my life, I've had to struggle with the concept that emotional strength is, paradoxically (to me), vulnerability. I understand that intellectually and have had to work at embodying that concept. Most recently, I've gotten a greater understanding on how codependency influences my perspective and embodiment of emotional strength. There are times on the trail that I've been in the zone while hiking and allowed myself to be in touch with my own experience, which was becoming more positive as I became stronger and more accustomed to trail life. But, inevitably, a sizable portion of my mental and emotional energy has been expended in determining how best to respond to Seth's experience, which is my modus operandi. It makes me a great therapist, but leaves my personal relationships lacking for me and the other person (as I have come to realize in the past year with all the transitions). Like part of my true self can get lost in my efforts to ensure the other person is receiving an emotionally affirming experience. I am conscious of all this and have been able to make decisions to just leave Seth to his struggle and keep hiking my hike. That's what people say about the trail, "hike your own hike." But Seth and I also have to make decisions together all the time about how our hike is going to go, so it feels tricky for me sometimes. I'm not even sure how to end this line of thinking- it's just an ongoing thing that will continue to unfold for myself and between us.
It's been nice to relax in a more rural area. Seth's feet have continued to feel better, so we will be getting back on the trail. The trail runs right near Pittsfield, so we're just going to hop on from here and continue south. That means we're skipping over a 518-mile stretch of the trail in southern Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, and northern Massachusetts. I'm sad to miss this part of the trail- I was looking forward to hiking the White Mountains in New Hampshire. The terrain gets a little less mountainy in southern Massachusetts, which will allow ourselves to ease into the trail a bit more. We fully intend to complete the skipped section at some point, but this may make us section hikers- where we complete the entire trail by doing certain sections over time. We met a guy today in a gear shop that called himself a LASHer- long-ass section hiker because he completed the trail over a six-year time period. Who knows if that'll be us- we're just going to see what we can accomplish over the next few days and go from there.
We did a light hike in Kennedy Park. Seth and I also saw Wonder Woman while in Pittsfield, so I'm channeling my Amazonian self here.
The trailhead in Sheffield, MA off Route 7. Getting back on it- yay!!!