Discomfort Descends

       I have moved enough now to know that even if I think that this move won’t be so bad, there’s just no getting around the pain of leaving a place and its people. Leaving Houston felt even more awkward because it had somehow become my home, despite my efforts to cast it away. I vaguely hoped that knowing people in Atlanta and having lived in Atlanta previously would act as some sort of protection against the full weight of grieving, but in my heart I knew there wouldn’t be any shield. And there wasn’t. And I feel guilty because I feel very grateful for the relationships I have in Atlanta and finally being with Seth every day, of course, but just as strongly, I feel deep grief and longing for my routine in Houston, the role that I had there, and the people on whom I relied daily and who relied on me. 

       For years, I have meditated on the idea that I can change anything I want about myself as long as I’m courageous enough. The only thing getting in the way of transformation is fear. Part of taking this long trip was to shake up our lives- establish ourselves as people who are willing to step out of the grind for adventure! However, in the weeks leading up to the trip, I am overcome with fear about “abandoning” the life I had in Houston, embarking on this arduous trip that I might not even enjoy, or ruining a potentially transformative trip with my controlling and inflexible tendencies. Rigidity is an attempt to manage fear, but it’s an impossible solution in an environment like the trail with too many uncertain variables. I am frequently having the thought, “Man, it just would have been easier to [insert any part of old life here].” But I have intentionally positioned myself here for growth! I’m not even on the trail yet and I can already see where I will be challenged to be different than what and who I have been up to this point in my life. I’m really hoping this is one of those “darkest before the dawn” moments, but I have a sense a string of darknesses and dawns are lined up for this trip. When I’m feeling good- that sounds exciting! When I’m feeling badly- that sounds terrifying! In the end, I still want this change- it’s happening, I’m in it.